Hard to Find Headlines

This is some hilarious behind the scenes footage from a video shoot we did Tuesday for a LaZBoy ad. Thanks to Ron Gerson and his team for doing everything other than wearing a costume.

Check back HERE this Friday to see the final product!

Tuesday April 19th, 2011

If you’ve just been released from jail and are waiting for a friend to pick you up, you may want to take the opportunity to reflect on how you can do things differently going forward… Since this is the HTFH, it’s safe to assume he didn’t do that and instead got caught urinating all over the nearest police car. (Wilson, NC)

Not wanting to let Applebee’s and The Olive Garden have all the fun, a Chili’s in Brooklyn joins in the party and serves a 4 y/o who ordered a chocolate shake an alcoholic mud slide instead!

If you’re the Sheriff of a Missouri town and have personally spearheaded the effort to eradicate the local meth problem, you probably shouldn’t do things like… oh, I don’t know… run a mini meth dealing cartel. That’s one way to stay ahead of the competition!

A Postal Carrier in Oregon learned rule #1 of the Mail Delivery business yesterday. Don’t get caught going #2 in your customer’s yards. And, of course, there are pictures!

Monday April 18th, 2011

A 22 y/o Austin, Texas woman had her weekend ruined after she was being questioned by police for improper identification during a traffic stop and her 3 y/o asked one of the officers if they had ‘found my mom’s weed yet’. No fruit loops for you, kid.

If you’ve just won a sizeable settlement from your ex husband based around your inability to work due to an injury, you probably shouldn't keep a public blog where you brag about your recreational belly dancing skills. (Staten Island, NY)

If you’ve got some freeloading friends sleeping on your couch and their snoring is just too much for you to handle, calling 911 to report them isn’t going to help your situation as people tend to snore in jail too. (Cheyenne, WY)

In lieu of our regular TIOJ, today we bring you the TIOKMOAJB. Which, of course, is the image of Kate Middleton on a Jelly Bean.

Friday April 15th, 2011

Since it’s Friday, we present you with an 81 y/o Floridian who thwarted a home invasion robbery with a good old fashioned frying pan to the head.

If there’s one place in the world you want to avoid spontaneously bursting into flames, it’s inside an adult book store in San Francisco. Unless of course, you like being the butt of all your buddies jokes.

A Vancouver, Washington couple instantly became front runners for Parents of the Year after it was discovered their children lived in cages to which the father responded, “What was I supposed to do? Let them run around the house and get into everything? What kind of _____ing parenting is that?!” Yeah, Hell called too and wants to know when you’ll be arriving.

There are many suitable places in the home for stashing your weed… Inside the door of the city owned and regularly inspected Water Meter is most definitely NOT one of them. (Tucson!)

Thursday April 14th, 2011

A Fort Walton Beach, Florida man is sleeping off his hangover in jail this morning after he refused to leave a bar called The Swamp because the declined to return his bull whip and the cap to his dry erase marker.

If you’re going to stand around naked from the waste down drinking a bottle brandy, that’s all good man, sounds like a nice night! Just don’t do it in a public restroom. (Niles, IL)

A Pennsylvania man learned the hard way yesterday that if you’re going to whip out your biggest power saw and threaten to cut off your neighbor’s heads and the heads of their dogs, you better be prepared to finish the job. Otherwise you’re just the crazy neighbor getting hauled off to jail.

Hey! Just had a revelation… If you’re a fugitive whose been on a the run for 30 years you should probably avoid doing things to draw attention to yourself like getting drunk on the job… oh and brandishing a handgun and pointing it at all your co-workers… yeah, that’s not a good idea either.

Wednesday April 13th, 2011

Before you call police to report a pair of geese in distress, one alive one apparently dead, you should take a closer look and be sure they’re not plastic replicas… Oh, and sober up because they ain’t movin. (Gates Mills, Ohio)

Just a tip: When deciding to use a gun to pistol whip someone, it’s important that you don’t accidentally shoot yourself in the process. You may thwart your own robbery. (Montgomery, AL)

A pair of York, PA criminals learned the hard way yesterday that after robbing someone’s home of all their power tools, you should make sure he’s not the guy you’re trying to sell them to at his work. Open and shut case!

Not to be outdone by the folks at AppleBee’s, an Olive Garden in Florida proves it likes to party too by serving a sippy cup full of Sangria to a two year old instead of orange juice.

Tuesday April 12th, 2011

A Minnesota woman learned yesterday that before you call in the big guns to sound the alarms and start a man-hunt for your missing child, always be sure to check the video game isle at Wal-Mart first.

A New Zealand rapper learned the hard way that cops don’t like it when you start singing the ‘80s rap anthem ‘F the Police’ while they’re investigating a complaint at a club you happen to be in.

A startling new trend in felonies is coming in the form of unpaid rent-to-own debts, as one Norfolk, Virginia man found out. What happened to collections?! “What you in for? Murder. You? I fell behind on my couch payments.”

In an epic trailer park showdown in Georgia, one resident admits he shot his neighbor’s dog with a BB gun because it pooped in his yard, which the other neighbor claims is impossible because he had already pooped inside her house. Ta-da!

Monday April 11th, 2011

The ugly War of Wigs continues in Nashville, TN after a 19 y/o woman burst into a hair salon over the weekend and used a taser on employees before making a break for it with several high priced hair extensions. Hair today, gun tomorrow.

A would-be armed robber made a grave error in judgment when he decided to burst into a Knoxville, TN bar and attempt to rob everyone inside. Before he was able to get one wallet, he found himself severely beaten, duct taped and under arrest.

An Applebee’s in Michigan redefined the term family-friendly after they served a 21 month old a real margarita in a sippy cup which nobody noticed until the toddler was drunk with a BAC of .10. Needless to say, the toddler was not allowed to drive home.

A Nor-Cal man who had asked his 25 y/o son several times to turn down his stereo was happy to demonstrate the decibel range of his 12-gauge shotgun on his son’s speakers. Also, come on kid, get a job and move out.

Friday April 8th, 2011

A Bozeman, Texas wedding got a little more exciting than usual when the uninvited brother of the bride showed up hammered, pushed the groom’s mother to the ground, punched the groom and hit the pregnant bride in the face with a wrench. Ta-da!

This one’s for you ladies: If you’re going to disguise yourself as a male ninja armed with nun chucks and duct tape before going on a kidnapping/hostage/revenge mission, that’s all fine and good… Just be sure you have the correct address.

After drinking a half bottle of jagermeister and being pulled over for DUI, a 53 y/o Florida man learned the hard way that when trying to act cool and sober, it’s important that you not mistake your hearing aid for a cigarette and attempt to light it up in front of police.

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again… Dialing 911 is NOT a good alterative to calling a cab when you need a ride home drunk. Especially if you can afford a cab.

Thursday April 7th, 2011

Having your passenger dial 911 to false report a shooting while being pulled over for DUI may be an innovative idea, but you should make sure he does when the cop isn’t standing right outside the window. (Chicago, IL)

A Florida teen has officially made the best case ever for wearing saggy pants after he was saved from the jaws of a 10 foot alligator when his loose fitting pants slipped right off.

A Lincoln, Nebraska man may have come up with the most ingenious method of robbery that unfortunately promises the smallest possible pay off. He devised a custom backpack vacuum device that sucks the change right out of coin-operated washing machines.

All the super smart kids at MIT have set the greatest Guinness World Record since a wacky radio DJ put on 155 shirts by folding 13,000 feet of toilet paper in half, 13 times… The future is bright!

Wednesday April 6th, 2011

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. And when life gives you a cow instead of a horse, you do like a 15 y/o Farmer’s Daughter in Germany whose father wouldn't buy her the horse she wanted so she managed to forge on with her riding dreams anyhow by training one of the family cows to not only ride, but jump obstacles as well. Awwwwwww.

A Mason, Ohio man was arrested yesterday after he took it upon himself to bark back at a barking police dog despite defending himself by saying, ‘the dog started it.’ Oh, and it case you didn’t put it together already, it’s apparently illegal to bark at K-9s.

A Virginia Elementary School teacher learned the hard way yesterday that when organizing a career day assembly for a school of 9-11 year olds, it may be bad form to include a ‘plastic surgeon’ exhibit complete with hands on ‘squeeze the implants’ table.

In what may go down as the best stupid criminal story ever, we present the North Carolina man who learned yesterday that when participating in a home invasion robbery, you should never take your shirt off. If you do, don’t leave it at the scene… Particularly if the shirt has a picture of you from one of your prior arrest mug shots on it and the words “Making Money is My Thang”… Apparently getting caught is your ‘thang’.

Tuesday April 5th, 2011

In a strange instance of the pen being mightier than the sword, a gas station clerk in Sarasota, Florida managed to fend off a gun-wielding robber using only a screwdriver. Smart? No. Impressive? Yes.

Australian Role Model 3-Pack:

If you’re a teacher, don’t drive to school drunk. If you’re going to drive to school drunk, don’t brush your teeth while you’re driving. If you’re going to drive to school drunk while brushing your teeth, watch out for that tree. (Australia)

In other Australian role model news; Enrolling your children in under 11 organized soccer is great to teach them about team work and boost morale. Attacking their coach with a pair of scissors because your kid isn’t getting enough minutes? That’s probably counter productive.

If you’re in court trying to retain custody of your child and justify your child support claims, you probably shouldn’t tell the judge your little fatty has a $60 a week McDonalds habit that needs to be paid. What is that, like 120 cheeseburgers?

Monday April 4th, 2011

Our ‘Worst April Fools Joke of 2011’ award goes to a 16 y/o in Illinois who didn’t bother to add ‘just kidding’ to her ‘Help I’ve been robbed and shot’ texts to her family members. The un-amused cops gave her a stack of tickets for her bad joke, including one for truancy since she wasn’t in school when they arrived to save her.

If you’re going to break into your ex-girlfriends house and relieve yourself in just about every liquid in her refrigerator, you may want to keep it to yourself or be the guy in prison with the worst ‘whatcha in for’ story.

In their continuing effort to make America the worst country in the word, Florida HOAs decide to try and ban children from playing outside.

Building better criminals tip # 327: When deciding to stab someone, you should probably look around and double check that you’re not standing directly in front of the police station. (New Zealand)

Thursday March 31st, 2011

A New Jersey man learned the hard way yesterday that you’re supposed to get the job FIRST and THEN steal from your employer. Unfortunately for him, he was caught on camera stealing copper and conveniently applied for a job the next day.

If you’re a 21 y/o dude knocking on peoples door at 2am looking for help, you may come across a good Samaritan willing to lend a hand, but if you’re doing so while completely naked, well, that’s just no way to go through life son.

From the weird science files, a farmer in the UK has documented the genetic sex change for her chicken named Gertie into a rooster named Bertie. Like we learned in Jurrasic Park, life finds a way!

An Oklahoma City woman was finally driven to violence over the outrageous $6.25 price tag of cigarettes and took out her aggressions on the clerk. God help us if she ever makes it to Arizona where it’s about $8 after taxes.

Wednesday March 30th, 2011

A couple of Cincinnati geniuses would have gotten away with their pizza delivery robbery attempt yesterday had they not forgotten Rule #1 of pizza delivery robbery. When discussing your robbery plans after placing your order, be sure you’ve hung up the phone first.

A Gainesville, Florida man learned the hard way yesterday that if some dude you barely know named ‘Stab Hunter’ asks you for a ride home from the bar in the wee hours of the morning, you should probably decline.

A homeless man in Brazil has proven once and for all that everyone else in the world is lazy and uninspired after he built a fully functional car from scraps of sheet metal so that he could search for a job more effectively.

And only because the 911 audio is so much fun, we bring you the story of a Plant City, Florida woman who was swallowed by a sinkhole in her own backyard yesterday.

Tuesday March 29th, 2011

A 49 y/o Florida woman and her mother learned the hard way yesterday that no matter how bad the customer service you received at Wal-Mart was, you don’t have the right to choke the 71 y/o greeter on your way out… Even if you’re pregnant.

Nobody likes to run out of beer, but as one New Mexico mother found out, that doesn’t make forcing your 14 y/o son to drive you on a beer run a good idea.

If your name is Cokayne, you should probably avoid having any drugs in your possession… even if it’s just weed. In fact you may consider a name change as simply telling an officer your name is going to arise suspicion. (Virginia)

The latest in greatest in internet phenomenon. Things that look like Hitler. Last week we had the Hitler Gold Fish and today we present the Hitler house, which, amazingly looks a lot like Hitler.

Monday March 28th, 2011

Australia’s new ‘Catch and Release’ program for drunk drivers proves to be very profitable as one man managed to net 4 DUI arrests over the weekend.

When your defense lawyer starts his closing arguments by saying, “My client is an idiot, and on the night in question he was a drunken idiot.” you should probably start thinking about a plea bargain. (Canada)

Despite veterinarians insisting it’s genetically impossible, a famer in the Chinese province of Shaanxi claims one of the sheep in his flock has given birth to a dog.
(With OMG, it’s a sheep-dog pics!)

A pair of neighbors in rural Mississippi put in their early entry for white trash Wednesday after they both came armed and ready to fight over a dog poop dispute.

Friday March 25th, 2011

A 42 y/o Indiana man wrapped up the worst day ever by being shot by police while riding a lawn mower he stole from his mother to go buy cigarettes. As icing on the cake, his mother, who he lives with, pressed grand theft charges and no, he never got his smokes.

An Australian Courier service has finally determined that maybe it was a bad idea to employ a partially blind driver after he logged 11 accidents in 8 years.

Good news for all you weed smoking wildlife rangers out there. The courts have ruled in favor of granting workers comp to a park ranger who smoked a doob and was mauled after attempting to hand feed a few wild grizzlies.

Follow-up: Remember the guy who stole the computer nerd’s laptop and ended up having video of himself attempting to dance posted on youtube? Yeah, he was so embarrassed he has returned the laptop, turned himself in and begged the victim to remove the videos of him.

Thursday March 24th, 2011

A 14 y/o Salt Lake City boy learned the hard way yesterday that if you’ve fallen and torn your new jeans at the knee, just be honest about it… You parents will forgive you for falling, but saying you were grazed by a bullet to avoid blame will only complicate things.

The front runner candidate for MOTY has surfaced in the UK in the form of a beauty pageant mother who shamelessly waxes and injects botox into her 8 year old daughter to give her that winning edge.

A 19 y/o Michigan man who clearly doesn't listen to the hard to find headlines found out that it’s really tough to call your friends and brag about the robbery you just committed if you leave your cell phone at the scene.

If you’re going to drive around at 3:30am in your ‘mobile meth lab’ lovingly nicknamed ‘shake & bake’, be sure you don’t run out of gas. The cops may attempt to ‘help you’. (Vienna, MO)

Wednesday March 23rd, 2011

Just a word of advice for all you hapless criminals out there… Don’t steal computers from people who know how to use computers… They might hack their way in, find out where you live and, just for good measure, humiliate you by posting all of your videos of your pathetic dancing to rap music on youtube. (Waltham, MA)

A crew of would be insurance frauders learned the hard way yesterday that if you’re going to attempt to stage a 4 car accident, don’t do it directly under the watchful eye of a city owned surveillance camera. (New York, NY)

A Florida couple brings us a HTFH first after the woman put the beat down on her boyfriend with deer antlers… Evidently she has a very nice rack.

Just when you thought people’s obsessive behavior over their pets couldn’t get any worse, an Australian family has decided to get their 300lb pet pig a face lift.

Tuesday March 22nd, 2011

A Missoula, Montana woman earns a couple of stars for finding innovative ways to pay her baby sitter… Stars quickly turn to stripes when payment turns out to be sleeping pills. Oh this next generation is going to be soooo smart.

If you’ve got a court appearance for DUI, don’t casually pull up to the courthouse with an open can of Busch Lite in your hand and cold sixer in the back. (Sullivan County, NY)

If you’re an aggressive door to door magazine salesmen with a tendency to punch customers who decline your services and ask you to leave, you should make sure you don’t accidentally knock on the door of a heavily armed federal officer. (Gainesville, FL)

If you’re high as kite with a bag of weed in the car and on your way to the police station to pay a ticket, don’t call into the most popular radio station in town and brag about it. They might have more then a ticket waiting when you get there. (Irwin, PA)

Monday March 21st, 2011

An Ohio man was good enough to remind us all that the public metro bus line is NEVER an adequate getaway option after robbing a bank.

A Marianna, Florida man learned the hard way over the weekend that you should always look in the back seat before jacking a car, because if there are drunk frat boys passed out in the back, they might be able to kick your ass.

You should really review this helpful check list before you embark on a bender and are arrested possession of cocaine charges:
1) Are you an elected official?
2) Are you a Las Vegas District Attorney?
3) Have you famously put celebrities such as Paris Hilton and Bruno Mars in jail for the same thing?
If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, welcome to the HTFH.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the bathroom, a Dallas, TX woman proves once and for all that yes, it is possible to impale your own neck with the toilet paper holder.

Friday March 18th, 2011

A Michigan man learned yesterday that while stockpiling barrels of gasoline might seem like a good idea right about now, you probably shouldn’t store them INSIDE your house… Unless you’re anxious to rebuild.

A Staten Island, NY man is rethinking his business model in jail today after he was caught selling massive amounts of oxycontin out of his ice cream truck… Evidently residents became suspicious when throngs of strung out drug addicts went running after the ice cream truck like an 8 y/o on a hot day.

A Floridian dine-and-dasher learned the hard way yesterday that if you’re going to try and bribe a cop to let you go, you have to come up with something a little better to offer then fresh crab legs.

If you’re a married man and just secretly married another woman, resist the urge to post pictures of your secret marriage on facebook. Even if you unfriend your real wife first… It’ll just make her suspicious.

Thursday March 17th, 2011

Whether you’re a retired police officer or not, telling an acting officer who has found you drunk behind the wheel of your truck to, ‘Get your fat a$$ back in the car, I’m a retired cop’ probably isn’t a good idea. (Fort Walton Beach, FL)

While telling the girl sitting next to you on a flight that you’re a secret air marshal might be a nifty way to pick up chicks, be sure you don’t say in within ear shot of the REAL air marshal. (Detroit)

If you’ve just stolen a 46” flat screen television from a restaurant, be sure you 1) don’t leave your drivers license behind and 2) don’t leave the TV sitting outside a nearby Burger King while you get a whopper. In fact, if you’re going to steal large TV’s you should probably bring a vehicle of some sort.

And just a friendly B&M reminder, always be careful what you say to your girlfriend when coming home drunk, because she may just bite off your testicles. That is all. (London)

Wednesday March 16th, 2011

A Chicago couple just found out why we call animal control to remove squirrels from our homes as opposed to setting the whole place on fire in an attempt to ‘smoke them out’.

A Floridian thug learned the hard way yesterday that if you have to send your mom to the scene of a house you tried to rob to recover your gold teeth after having them knocked out by the home owner, you’re not quite as gangster as you thought you were.

A would be bank robber in Dallas teaches us all that if, while demanding cash from the teller she says ‘no problem, I’ll just need two forms of ID’, you should probably just cut your losses and walk away. Since this is the HTFH, you probably guessed that he complied.

A Connecticut man found out yesterday that the customer is NOT always right after he called police to report that he had been shorted by his cocaine dealer.

Tuesday March 15th, 2011

An Atlanta, GA man learned the hard way yesterday that if a police officer asks you about the marijuana on your person, DO NOT, for any reason, respond with ‘That’s how I make my money, man.’ Congratulations, your misdemeanor possession charge just got upgraded to felony!

A Washington man, convinced he was sharing a Days Inn hotel room with Satan, does what any rational roommate of Satan would do… He set all the blankets on fire.

A Mesa, Arizona man helps us pen rule # 4378 of home burglary. While making entry through a bedroom window, never fall in and get trapped in the laundry basket… If the guy you’re trying to rob has to help untangle you, you’re probably going straight to jail.

Authorities in Russia have politely asked that everyone at the Post Office please make sure your personal vibrators are all turned off BEFORE you call the bomb squad and evacuate several city blocks.

Monday March 14th, 2011

Nobody likes walking to school, but one 14 y/o Gary, Indiana boy hated it so much he felt the need to steal a van from his church to alleviate the pain of the walking those long and painful 3 ½ blocks. (Footnote: He stole the keys after seeing them while at choir practice. Theory: The kid is just trying to pick up chicks)

We’ve said it before and clearly we’ll say it again; If you’re so drunk that you punch the paramedic attempting to help after you’ve been found face down and out cold in a hallway, it may be time to seek some treatment.

A Vermont police officer learned the hard way over the weekend that the department frowns on it’s officer breaking into homes and throwing all the valuable electronics in the nearest river. Especially if it has become a regular occurrence.

An attorney in Florida reminds us all that if you’ve got even a minimal amount of intelligence, and this is especially true if you’re a lawyer, don’t lead police on 13 mile high speed chase if you’ve only got 12 miles worth of gas in your car.

Friday March 11th, 2011

So a Malaysian home owner found out yesterday that the only thing worse than having your house robbed, is being robbed of your house. As in the entire thing stolen... Floor to ceiling and everything in between. Police are on the lookout for a dude with a really, really big backpack.

A South Greensburg, PA man learned the hard way yesterday that if you’re hiding in a ceiling crawl space from police who are after you for stealing a car… Resist the urge to light up a cigarette when they’re directly below you… They might catch a whiff.

At some point in life there might be a good reason to take your tractor and bulldoze your neighbor’s home, his 6 vehicles, his farm equipment, propane tanks and electrical and phone lines… However, an $80 debt probably won’t ever be that reason. (Colorado Springs, CO)

A couple in Kentucky learned the hard way that while it may be okay for one parent to pass out while on a family outing to Wendy’s, it’s not okay for both parents to pass out, as your toddler will eventually get bored and get someone’s attention.

Thursday March 10th, 2011

Remember that guy who dialed 911 when he was trapped inside the bathroom of a home a he was robbing? Yeah, well he was just found loading stolen merchandise into a stolen car. Pretty good week for this guy! (Portland, OR)

In other Portland news, this time Portland, Maine; A 36 y/o woman there has set a new GWR for being charged with 7 DUIs after one night of drinking! Congrats, here’s your bus pass.

A Grandville, Michigan man was arrested yesterday while making a break for it after robbing an eyeglass store of 64 pairs of prescription glasses. Guess they didn’t help him see that coming.

There’s a statewide manhunt underway for a trio of Wayland, MA criminals who were spotted on surveillance cameras shoplifting over $1300 worth of electric toothbrushes. Cavity searches all around!

Wednesday March 9th, 2011

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before; Woman suspects her husband is cheating, travels across the country to enact revenge; Wears a diaper. Okay, no diaper and she didn’t try to kill her, but she did steal her luggage and cut holes in the crotch of every ‘lower half’ garment she owned. (Chicago, IL)

A Florida man is suing a paramedic who allegedly stole his severed foot after a car accident. Medic claims the accuser is really putting his foot in his mouth with these allegations and his case doesn’t have a leg to stand on…. Okay, that sucked.

If anyone is looking for a female with the ability to hide $170,000 in cash in her underwear, she’s been discovered in Queens, NY. Oh, but don’t try to walk through the x-ray machines. They may notice the bulge.

If the first thing a police officer asks you after pulling you over is, “How much cash you got on you right now?” You may want to question his legitimacy and consider driving away… quickly.

Tuesday March 8th, 2011

If you’re being questioned by police about a stolen cell phone connected to a robbery which you deny committing, you should be sure to turn the ringing off while they’re in your house… You know, just in case they decide to call it. (Sarasota, FL)

Any old drunk can crash his car into a house after running a stop sign, but it takes a special kind of degenerate to crash into the 2nd floor. (Chicago, IL)

A Portland man learned the hard way yesterday that if you’ve broken into a home and the home owner returned while you’re taking a shower, locking yourself into the bathroom and calling the police is pretty much the worst solution to your problem.

A Milwaukee man reminds us all that if you’re going to burn your own bar to the ground in an attempt at insurance fraud, be sure your plan includes an exit strategy once you’ve set the inside ablaze.

Monday March 7th, 2011

If you’re a millionaire dentist from Michigan and find a credit card lost in a parking lot, you should probably resist the urge to order two pizzas with it.

For all of you who miss that smell of the farm that you left behind for life in the big city, fear not: A German company has begun selling ‘cow farts in a can’ solely for the purpose of reminding you of home.

A Naples, Florida woman learned the hard way over the weekend that standing outside naked while throwing rocks at people is one thing, but when you start throwing your dentures at folks, well that’s just crossing the line.

While we can all agree that every kid should have a perm, if you have to chase your daughter around with a knife and hurl giant slabs of concrete at her car to convince her she should get one, maybe just let her perm it up on her own time. It’s not worth going to jail over. (Fort Pierce, FL)

Friday March 4th, 2011

Gilbert police were shocked to find a naked man… well, almost naked, he WAS wearing one shoe, down at the bottom of a 40’ man hole. PCP, mushrooms and weed might have been a factor.

While attending a parenting class is commendable, you should probably be sure your 2 y/o isn’t walking around in the middle of the street while you’re there. (Pittsburg, PA)

A California woman is suing a 99 cent store after she slipped on a banana peel while perusing the isles. Seriously… She slipped on a banana peel. Yes, evidently cartoons are giving us frivolous lawsuit ideas these days too.

The Mazda Auto Company has been forced to recall 65,000 of it’s vehicles because… go on… guesses? Faulty brakes? Broken cup holders? Nope… Nests full of spiders burrowed in the dashboards!

Thursday March 3rd, 2011

If you’re going to rob a bank and then scream, “You’ll never catch me!” as you run out the door, you should be sure you haven’t accidentally locked yourself out of your getaway car. (Brookline, MA)

A petty thief in London learned the hard way that if you’re going to take the time to steal someone’s fancy looking violin, you should probably find out what it is you stole before you attempt to pawn it for $150… It might have been worth $1.5 million.

In other UK news, the first documented case of Cupcake Rage has unfolded in the town of Cardiff after a woman smashed all the display cases and hundreds of innocent tasty cupcakes after she was told they were all out of her favorite flavor. Must have been Sprinkles.

All potential burglars take note: If whatever it is you’re attempting to break into requires you to strip off all your clothes before you can get in, just turn back and sleep on it. It NEVER ends any way other then you being found naked, trapped and with zero dignity. (Covington, GA)

Wednesday March 2nd, 2011

A resourceful Canadian discovered yesterday that not only does your television remote enable blissful laziness, but it also doubles as a great weapon to hit your family members with when they won’t shut up while you’re watching TV.

In what may go down in history as the gayest robbery of all time, a NYC man robbed a Brooklyn deli yesterday by skating in on roller blades and wearing a surgical mask all while armed with a BB gun. Unfortunately for him, the intimidation factor was low, so the customers simply shut the door and locked him inside. Guess he won’t be skating on this one.

Just a reminder; There’s a time and place for stripping completely naked and propositioning everyone around you. And inside a 7-11 Convenience store is never the place, regardless of what time it is. (Salisbury, MD)

An Oklahoma animal shelter has decided the righty thing to do is to adopt out a dog that somehow managed to survive being euthanized yesterday. Yeah, if I had the evil undead zombie dog at my shelter I’d be anxious to give him away too.

Tuesday March 1st, 2011

An elderly couple in England broke up the TIO monotony yesterday by going intergalactic with the TIOET.

A Los Angeles man learned yesterday that if you’re going to crash your car into a building while drunk, it’s only fitting that it’s a sober living house.

A Vermont teenager learned the hard way yesterday that if you’re bummed about your buddy getting a DUI and feel the need to spark a joint to take the edge off, you should probably wait until you get home and not light up in the car while your pal is failing his sobriety test.

An 11 y/o Thailand girl earned the coolest kid at school award by being recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the ‘World’s Hairiest Girl’. Okay, maybe she’s not the coolest kid at school, but she’s got a bang up built in Halloween costume! (Pictures HAVE to be seen)

Monday February 28th, 2011

If you’ve finally been tracked down and arrested after making an astonishing 18,000 911 prank calls since last August, going to jail may be just what you need to kick start that life outside your mother’s basement. (East Los Angeles, CA)

In other 911 abuse, a Scottish dog owner dialed 911 over the weekend to report that a stranger had broken wind on his little pooch.

A 28 y/o Columbus, Ohio man learned the hard way that the first thing you do when police arrive after crashing your car should NOT be screaming out loud, ‘I’m High on Cocaine!”

A Naperville, Illinois man reminds us all that just because you’ve had a 2 year online relationship with someone you’ve never met, doesn’t mean you should send ‘her’ 200,000 dollars. Especially if she wants chunks sent to different banks in Nigeria, Malaysia, England and the US.

Friday February 25th, 2011

In case anyone was unsure, an Atlanta area school teacher has sacrificed her job to remind us all that it’s never okay to duct tape your students to their chairs…

A Billings, Montana man learned the hard way this week that if you’re going to steal a car, you should probably pick something a little less conspicuous then an original vintage Ford Model-A. People tend to notice when the first car ever built is rolling down the street.

Two would be muggers in Sweden had their plans thwarted yesterday when the old dude they picked to rob turned out to be a retired professional boxer who wasted no time massaging his knuckles on their foreheads.

If you’ve been running around in circles for several hours and screaming incoherently about the 30 invisible people that are hiding throughout your house, you may want to hold off on calling the police. It’s probably just all the bath salts you’ve snorting. (Medina, Ohio)

Thursday February 24th, 2011

If you’ve been arrested 74 times and you’re looking at a minimum of 15 years in prison for one more offense, you should probably resist the urge to shoplift $180 worth of deodorant. I’m mean, come on. At least rob a bank or something. And how much deodorant does one person really need?! (New Jersey)

You’re a 39 y/o mother of two, you’re completely drunk, you’re armed to the teeth and you’ve just stolen a vehicle from a funeral home. Yep, sounds like you’re ready to pick the kids up from school! (Shelbyville, TN)

An Oklahoma man learned the hard way yesterday that while there are several items that are easily shoplifted by shoving them down your pants, a chainsaw is most definitely not one of them.

Things not to do while going through a divorce: Send naked pictures of your soon to be ex to her 15 y/o son.

Wednesday February 23rd, 2011

A Michigan man found out yesterday that if you attempt to rob a 7-11 with a bandana over your face while proclaiming, “The King Don’t Pay For Cigarettes!”, don’t be surprised when ‘the king’ collects a 50,000 volt tasing from his humble civil servants.

18 y/o Key West resident Julio Lot learned the hard way that when mom tells you to eat that sandwich in the kitchen and not the living room, you move you're a$$ before mama drops the hammer on you… literally… She hit him with a hammer.

As if going to the dentist wasn’t bad enough, the UK introduces us to the Devil Dentist this morning. He’s mean, rough and has a habit of swearing at and flipping off his patients, mocking their teeth and, of course, burping and farting while they’re stuck in the chair. No wonder Brits have bad teeth.

For the second day in a row, we have an Ice Cream Truck Arrest in the HTFH. This one comes to us from Florida, of course, in the form of a DUIce Cream. Ba dump bump cha!

Tuesday February 22nd, 2011

A Cleveland man learned the hard way yesterday that showing up at jail and impersonating a lawyer in order to talk to an inmate is highly frowned upon. Oh, and if you must, definitely don’t be drunk.

Two entrepreneurial Louisiana teenagers demonstrated that just because it worked in the movie Friday, doesn’t mean you can sell weed out of an ice cream truck and get away with it.

Leave it to Florida to expose the dark side of the Girl Scout Cookie industry. A 31 y/o Naples woman is in jail this morning after she attacked her roommate in the middle of the night for the heinous crime of eating all her thin mints. I, for one, think her actions were justified.

Finally, the good people of Chicopee, Massachusetts were kind enough to remind us all this morning that you should never ask strangers to pass the syrup at Denny’s in the middle of the night.. Unless you’re prepared to eat an extra grand slam knuckle sandwich. With awesome girl fight video goodness.

Monday February 21st, 2011

A New Zealand man learned the hard way over the weekend that if you’re going to do some casual gardening with a very sharp bayonet, do you best to keep the business end away from your crotch.

A Methuen, Massachusetts Wal-Mart employee demonstrates yet again that the best tool to with which to thwart an armed robbery is a heavy can of soup right between the eyes.

Just a reminder to anyone dumb enough to need it; If someone approaches and offers to sell you a multi-million dollar winning lottery ticket for the low, low price of $14,000 cash, just walk away.

Two 10 y/o girls in Marana, AZ discovered that the only thing better than a giant bounce house, it a giant bounce house that doubles as a kite in a severe wind storm…. While you’re still in it, of course.

Friday February 17th, 2011

At long last police in Shiremanstown, PA have finally cracked the case of the panty hose prank caller, charging a 43 y/o man with making over 400 calls per day during which he would try to get women to talk to him about panty hose. Sounds normal to me.

An Oregon man learned the hard way yesterday that if you’re being pulled over and need to quickly stash you bag of weed, be sure your dog in the back seat is trained NOT to pull it out at the worst possible time.

In other Oregon news, a couple there, clearly bucking for some sort of world record, were arrested yesterday and charged with shoplifting over $5 MILLION worth of merchandise from area Safeway stores over the past couple of months. Yes, 5 MEEEEEELYON dollars.

Usually someone staging a hunger strike earns a little empathy and support from the public for one cause or another… However, in the case of the Mexico City teenager staging a hunger strike until he gets an invite to the Prince William/Kate Middleton wedding… well... we might just go ahead and let him starve to death.

Thursday February 17th, 2011

So… If your brother is in the process of being arrested for impersonating a police officer, you probably shouldn’t drive up to the scene in your fake cop car and attempt to be briefed on the situation. (Orange County, FL)

A Lorain, Ohio man has added another doosie to the list of excuses that won’t get you out of a DUI. If you’ve just flipped your car into a ditch on the side of the road, repeatedly telling police you were just trying to ‘mow the sidewalk’ isn’t getting you any breaks.

If you’re 5’2”, 400lb and use a motorized cart to get around, you probably shouldn't be a shoplifter… and if you are going to try and steal over $600 worth of electronics, be sure that fancy cart of yours doesn’t get stuck in the exit while you make your great escape… and of course she got a good tasing.

A Floridian high school student learned the hard way yesterday that no, the lunch lady in the cafeteria will not be able to make change for your one million dollar bill.

Wednesday February 16th, 2011

A 27 y/o Michigan man learned the hard way yesterday that if you’re going to take your family hostage and threaten to blow up your house by igniting the stove’s gas line… you should be sure your stove isn’t electric before you begin.

If you’re a fugitive on the run driving drunk is not a good idea… but pulling over on the side of the road and peeing on your car while driving drunk is an even worse idea. (Tobyhanna, PA)

In case you’ve been considering it, don’t. An Orlando man proves once and for all that throwing a grape at someone in anger will land you in jail in the state of Florida.

If you’ve got a bit of a stomach ache followed by a cough that causes a pair of 4” forceps to pop out from inside your navel… It’s time to get a new plastic surgeon… and sue the old one.

Tuesday February 15th, 2011

An Anthem, Arizona man demonstrated some keen survival skills after he managed to stay alive for 5 days out in the desert by drinking window washing fluid.

No matter how bad the kids in your nursery school class smell (and we know, they all smell) hosing them all down periodically with air freshener is not recommended and may upset their parents. (UK)

A small shrine near Green Bay, Wisconsin has been deemed the first ‘holy site’ by the Catholic church within the United States after the TIOVM appeared there no less then 3 time. Brett Favre reportedly looking for her phone number so he can send her pictures of his…. Nevermind.

A Congrats is in order for a Thailand couple who set the world record for World’s Longest Kiss at 46 hours 24 minutes, finally proving once and for all that yes, women in Thailand will, in fact, love you long time.

Monday February 14th, 2011

Two things not to say while being pulled over:

If you’ve been pulled over for speeding, don’t tell them, ‘It’s okay, I was just making a youtube video.” Especially when that ‘video’ you’re making will be seized as evidence. (Salem, OR)

When being pulled over for having a suspended license, telling the officer you’ve been drinking for the past ‘two or three days’ is definitely not advised. (Destin, Florida)

I think we can all agree that there’s nothing wrong with being a male nurse and, in fact, it’s a very respectable career. However, if you’re a male nurse AND you get the crap beat out of you by a dude with only one arm and NO legs… Well, you can just drop that man-card off right over here, sir. (Northern Territory, Australia)

A Malaysian woman demonstrated over the weekend that there’s nothing better for fending off a hungry bangle tiger then a few good whacks with the ol’ household soup ladle. Of course, it helps when the beast is distracted by chewing on your husband… but still… next time you’re taking a walk in the jungle, pack your soup ladle.

Friday February 11th, 2011

A 27 y/o Ohio woman demonstrated yesterday that if you’re so drunk behind the wheel that you mistake the blinking neon sign of a skating rink for a police officer pulling you over… Well, you just wait there on the side of the road and a real one will be along shortly.

An average day for one 27 y/o Sunnyside, Washington man includes having his sworn enemy crash a truck into his car as he’s backing out of his driveway before jumping out of the truck and attacking him with a sword while he casually fends him off with his trusty machete until police arrive. Ta-Da!

A couple of San Diego parents who accidentally spilled hot nacho cheese on their kid while visiting Disneyland will, naturally, sue Disney for serving it to them… They claim to have a good chance at winning since this is Nacho average lawsuit… Zing!

Just in case you’re flying somewhere this weekend, we’re happy to report that a recent airline survey reveals that over half of the pilots asked admitted they fall asleep during their longer flights. Enjoy your flight!

Thursday February 10th, 2011

If you are so wasted that you completely ignore a train’s excessively loud horn and you don’t have any recollection of being tossed 50+ feet after it hits you yet you still got up and walked home… well… Actually, being that drunk may have saved your life in this case, so carry on.

A Chicago man whose house is covered in surveillance cameras took quick action against a neighbor he spot stealing his snow shovel. He used his handy snow blower to bury her car underneath several feet of snow and, of course, reclaimed his shovel. He also posted the entire saga on YouTube.

A Tampa, Florida pimp has finally found a use the excess of wasteful and useless yellow pages everywhere… dress them up like Apple MacBook boxes and sell them for the low, low price of $400! Brilliant! Until he got caught.

If you simply must drive while carrying a large amount of marijuana and hallucinogenic mushrooms in your car, you should avoid things like going twice the speed limit and swerving erratically… Either that or don't partake in your stash before getting behind the wheel. (Islamorada, Florida)

Wednesday February 9th, 2011

The Floridian Four Pack:

If you’re the mother of a boy in middle school and he gets beat up by a girl, do him a favor and don’t run to the newspaper to complain about the school’s lack of a reaction… You’re only ensuring the next 5 or 6 years of his life will be completely miserable. (Orlando)

Two Floridian burglars demonstrated yesterday that if the sound of a couple parrots is enough to scare you into running out the door, maybe you’re just not cut out for this whole full time criminal gig. (Palmetto)

Nothing adds to the real life gangster experience of watching Goodfellas on your couch like being shot twice by a couple of stray bullets that found their way into your living room. (Palm Harbor)

A West Orlando man learned the hard way yesterday that if you’re going to make a career of robbing banks, you should make sure that prosthetic arm of yours is securely attached to your body. Otherwise things get pretty awkward when it falls off during your heist.

Tuesday February 8th, 2011

If you’ve accidentally texted a complete stranger a picture of yourself in a very compromising x-rated position, your best defense should something other than, ‘that’s just the best picture I have of the couch I’m trying to sell!’

Quite possibly the greatest senior smackdown in recorded history took place in London yesterday when a purse wielding granny put the smack down on an entire gang of armed thugs attempting to rob a jewelry store. Oh, and it was all caught on video.

A Louisiana man learned the hard way that arguing with your girlfriend over valuable freezer real estate will, more often than not, result in you being smacked across the face with a frozen steak.

If you, for some bizarre strange Floridian reason, are going to try and tie a loaded gun to your leg while you’re lying in bed… For God’s sake point the barrel away from your twig & berries. (Orlando, FL)

Monday February 7th, 2011

Two German robbers are on the run this morning after they attempted to rob a stationary store and after realizing it had no money, made off with over $20,000 worth of scented postage stamps.

If you’re going to tape a few phones and a gun to an 11 y/o’s back and use her to smuggle them into a Columbian prison, you may want to stop somewhere short of 74 cell phones… they may cause a noticeable bulge.

While overcharging your elderly customers might be common practice for shady contractors, charging and 83 y/o $110,000 for a $10 drywall patch job just might getting a little greedy. (Palm City, FL)

A Connecticut man learned the hard way over the weekend that if you’re curious whether how much trouble the marijuana you’re growing could get you in, just google it, because calling 911 and asking might get you a special visit from police.

Friday February 4th, 2011

A Danish man is facing charges this morning after he broke open set off one of those ‘break in case of emergency’ fire alarms and dialed 911 at a train station after he set a 6-pack down on a train which took off before he could recover it. Sounds like a legit emergency to me.

Rule #5211 of home burglary. If you simply must charge your cell phone whilst you pillage, don’t forget to pick it up when you leave. (Silver Springs, MD)

If you’ve just been arrested and somehow are smart enough to stash several thousand dollars worth of drugs inside the door of the police car, don’t be dumb enough to brag about it to all your ‘friends’ in jail.

A Cincinnati, Ohio man learned the hard way that if you’re going to do something so bold as to have the word Genius tattooed on your forehead, be sure your tattoo artist knows that Genius starts with a G, not a J. Genius. (Yes, we know it’s a cursive G, but the story is funnier without knowing that)

Thursday February 3rd, 2011

Inmates at one Toronto, Canada prison have quickly learned that insubordination will be met with a swift tasing of the testicles. Note To Self: Don’t get arrested in Toronto.

An Orlando bank robber learned the hard way yesterday that if you’re going to flee on foot, be sure your escape route doesn’t take you directly past the Orlando Police Department.

Just a friendly B&M reminder; If you’ve got 3 children and 40lbs of weed in the car, resist the urge to speed.

You’re an immigration officer and you’ve grown tired of your wife… What do you do? Why, put her on the national terrorist watch list while she’s traveling abroad, of course!

Wednesday February 2nd, 2011

If, while perusing items at a local garage sale, you can’t tell the difference between a live hand grenade and a cigarette lighter, well… then you’re an idiot. And it’s no surprise you live in Florida.

In other Florida news; As happens on most Tuesdays in the sunshine state, an argument over cow milking methodology yesterday resulted in a machete fight and several arrests.

A NYC corporate executive learned the hard way yesterday that appropriate gifts to give a female employee on her birthday are things like a cake, a card, a free lunch or maybe a day off. Inappropriate gifts that will result in a very expensive law suit most definitely include sex toys.

If you’ve just illegally purchased three of the most deadly snakes in the world from a shady dark alley snake dealer in New Jersey who promises they’ve all had their ‘venom sacks’ removed… you may want to get that promise in writing before you try to pet the cuddly little fellas.

Tuesday February 1st, 2011

Now, I’m no expert, but if you’ve been hired by a Colorado school to educate teachers on how to avoid having affairs with their underage students, you probably shouldn’t be caught having an affair with an underage student. It could harm your credibility.

If you’re going to crash your car into a building, why not make that building your very own insurance company’s. It certainly saves everyone involved a lot of travel time. (Florida)

In America, being caught with a sex tape earns you front-page notoriety, a reality show, and a recording contract. In Indonesia it earns you 3 ½ years in prison. It’s just a shame Kim Kardashian, Tila Tequila and Amy Fischer weren’t born in Indonesia.

A Northern California man has learned the hard way that if you’ve decided to embark on a career of drug smuggling, you should probably be the type that doesn’t immediately faint when being pulled over for a traffic violation. The officer may get suspicious.

Monday January 31st, 2011

A UK mountain/ice climber who fell over 1000 ft over the weekend and walked away says he’ll definitely try and be more careful next time.

A 63 y/o Detroit man learned the hard way over the weekend that if you’re going to plot and execute a plan to blow up the biggest Muslim mosque in Michigan, you’d better plan on using something with a little more destructive power then a bag full of M-80s and bottle rockets.

Authorities in Ohio are that much closer to solving a mugging from over the weekend after it was discovered that the suspect left his slippers at the scene… Wait… Slippers? Really?

Pulling your kid and a few classmates out of school to help you at work is frowned upon to begin with… but when you ‘job’ is robbing banks, it’s really just an all around bad idea.

Friday January 28th, 2011

A Florida man’s arrest yesterday have finally blown the lid off of the dark underbelly of America…. Illegal cockroach smuggling. Which, as it turns out, is big business in Florida. And these aren’t Tony Montana’s cockroaches either… we’re talking 2 inchers.

A 19 y/o Boulder, CO man learned the hard way yesterday that biting, strangling and hitting your 21 y/o girlfriend with a skateboard is not appropriate behavior, despite the fact that she refused to buy you a beer. Get a fake ID like everyone else, kid.

While a 14 y/o working hard to raise money for his ailing grandmother is commendable, doing so by selling cocaine to your classmates is probably not a good idea. (Ft. Walton Beach, Florida)

The story of a British soldier overseas calling his pregnant girlfriend back at home and leaving a sappy message on her voicemail proposing marriage is making the rounds this morning just in time for valentines day. Unfortunately for him, it’s only a story because he left the message on some strangers voicemail on accident. Ooops! Don’t hold your breathe for that response, soldier!

Thursday January 27th, 2011

Just because Green Bay is in the super bowl, doesn’t mean it’s okay to dial 911 in a state of shear panic because someone stole your special Packers hood ornament. (Milwaukee, WI)

A Washington State woman learned the hard way yesterday that when leading police on a high speed chase and deciding that it’s high time to bail out of your vehicle, you need to make sure you don’t accidentally run yourself over in the process. You’re only making it easier on them plus you look like an idiot.

Congratulations are in order for 85 y/o John Bates of Onalaska, Wisconsin who just set the Guinness World Record for bowling 2850 perfect games since April of 2009…. On the Nintendo Wii, that is. Which, despite being a video game, is very impressive.

How Not To Kidnap Someone:

1 – Don’t kidnap your son-in-law/employee. He’ll probably recognize you.
2 - Don’t call everyone you KNOW to see if anyone is willing to pay a ransom for him.
3 – Don’t bother trading him for an Xbox 360 gaming console. You won’t be free long enough to enjoy it. (Kingsport, TN)

Wednesday January 26th, 2011

A Washington State substitute teacher sacrificed her job yesterday just to demonstrate to the rest of the world that drinking a bottle of wine before class, screaming and swearing at students and then passing out drunk on your desk is no way to educate your 6th graders.

Another day, another pair of Floridians arrested for beating each other up over the dirty toilet. Ahhhhh, the joy of roommates.

A couple of good ol’ Rochester Hills, Michigan fellas proved yesterday that Love Thy Neighbor is all fine and good but the minute said neighbor stores anything over the property line it’s time to pepper spray him and shoot him in the buttocks.

Just in case you still don’t believe these people exist, we bring you the story of a UK man who, while married to a real woman, has been jet setting across the globe spending over $25,000 on vacations with his 14 ‘real dolls’ which cost somewhere around $8000 a piece.

Tuesday January 25th, 2011

If you’ve recently been arrested for burglary after becoming lodged in an air duct of the A/C unit at a Shoney’s restaurant, somehow it seems silly to be caught trying to steal an actual A/C unit several months later… Especially in the middle of winter. (Charleston, SC)

An Argentinean woman may have set a new GWR after she fell 23 stories off the balcony of a Buenos Aries hotel, landed on top of a taxi cab and living to tell the story. With awesome pictures.

A Chicago area man learned the hard way that no, the Monday after the Packers beat the Bears is not a good day to wear your favorite Packers tie to work. That is, unless you don’t mind the unemployment line in -6 degree weather.

The first documented case of Beer Pong Rage resulting in a shootout has finally come across the news desk… And whadaya know, it’s brought to us by the fantastic state of Florida.

Monday January 24th, 2011

A Wayne County, Ohio man learned the hard way yesterday that if you’re going to conduct your own ‘do it yourself’ mythbusters experiments at home regarding the ballistics stopping power of a phone book, you should double check a couple of things first. 1) be sure you’re a good enough shot to actually hit the phone book and 2) make sure sure you position your phone book somewhere where missing it doesn’t result in several bullets in your neighbor’s house.

Firefighters in Macomb, Ill were forced to ticket a student there after fire alarms went on in his frat house and he refused to evacuate instead opting to eat a frozen lasagna and complaining that firefighters took way too long to respond. Not surprisingly, officials say alcohol was a factor.

An instructor at a Philippine bomb squad training seminar inadvertently gave his students a hands on lesson on why you NEVER pull the pin out of a live grenade unless you’ve got a solid plan on what to do next.

A dentists office in German has discovered that nothing works better to combat nerves and anxiety in the dentists chair like a female dentist and staff of hygienists all dressed in tight fitting beer wench costumes with very low cut very revealing tops. “The sight of cleavages gets patients narcotized and distracted from the pain rather quickly.” To no one’s surprise, their clientele list is very large and very male.

Friday January 21st, 2011

A couple of Pacific North West geniuses learned the hard way yesterday that if the fuel pump in your van quits working, don't try to keep your it running by pouring gasoline from an open bucket directly into the carburetor through a hole in the floor while driving, as there’s a pretty good chance you’re going to blow yourself up.

An elderly UK man is making a good case for revoking the drivers licenses of people over 80 with dementia after he was just reunited with a car he forgot where he parked 3 years ago! It came with a nice $12,000 parking ticket too.

Dubbed Super-Doris by the media, an 84 y/o London woman put the hurt on a 6’4” burglar who attempted to break into her home by beating him about the head with her cane for 8 minutes straight while he was being held down by her daughter.

Skokie, Illinois can’t boast many things, but at long last they have something to measure themselves by. Clocking in at .425, a local man there has blown the highest BAC ever by someone who wasn’t dying of alcohol poisoning! Congrats Skokie!

Thursday January 20th, 2011

Just a heads up to anyone with an owl that likes to party in Germany… Officials in Pforzheim placed an owl under arrest yesterday for public intoxication where it was feed a steady diet of water and released after sobering up. Party’s over people. It’s been a hoot.

Police in Bogota, Columbia stumbled onto a startling new trend in their prison system this week after it was discovered that inmates have crafted a sophisticated method of receiving drugs while incarcerated via carrier pigeons. In other news, Mike Tyson’s recent relocation to Columbia has been explained.

Recession? Not if you’re an overpaid soccer player in the UK making $128,000 a week who left his collectors edition Porsche at a train station for 6 months because he forgot he owned it.

Finally a new trend has emerged in late night drunk pranks called ‘dumbledoring’. So, the next time your door bell rings in the middle of the night and a naked college student jumps out of a cardboard box when you answer it, you can tell all your friends you’ve just been ‘dumbledored’.

Wednesday January 19th, 2011

If you attempt to order a pizza with a stolen credit card number and it doesn’t work. Don’t try 3 different stolen numbers at the SAME pizza place. Unless you don’t mind if the police deliver your food. (Chicago, IL)

A Missoula, Montana man learned the hard way yesterday that loud music in your car can be fun, but if it’s so loud you can’t hear oncoming trains, don’t bump your jams right next to the train tracks.

If you’re going to move forward with your bank-robbing plans, you should secure a better getaway plan then the public bus system, and if you must use public transportation, try not to get off at the bus stop right in front of your house.

The 2011 GOTY (grandfather of the year) has been discovered in Key West, Florida after he was found passed out next to the side of the road next to a few cold Key Stone Lights and a stroller with his 18 month old grand child inside.

Friday January 14th, 2011

An East Missoula, Montana man decided yesterday that if you’ve just rolled your truck and you’re certain you’re about to get your fifth DUI, why the heck not crack another cold one while you’re waiting for the cops.

In other Montana news, there are many ways to prove your point while arguing with your husband, however hitting him in the head with an axe is not one of them.

An Albuquerque, NM man learned the hard way yesterday that if you’re going to pass out in your car with no pants on and pocket full of meth, don’t do it while blocking the entrance to the local cemetery.

As we continue to navigate the often confusing road of when it is and is not okay to dial 911, today we learn that no, it’s not okay to dial 911 from a land line to report that your cell phone battery is dead. (Florida)

Evidently it is okay for a 4 y/o to dial 911 to request a certified letter be sent to Santa stating your dad has been bad.

Thursday January 13th, 2011

A Tennessee woman demonstrated yesterday that 1) 35 minutes is way too long to have to wait for police to arrive after calling 911 to report someone is breaking into your home, and 2) The Shark model Vacuum doubles as a fantastic weapon if you need to beat someone down for, say, 35 minutes.

A UK couple and first time parents were shocked earlier this week when their baby boy was born with a fully formed set of front teeth. To no one’s surprise, the mother will forgo breastfeeding and skip right to the bottle… bottle feeding, that is.

A Maine man learned the hard way yesterday that just because you have a fancy $5000 self contained marijuana growing ‘Bloom Box’, doesn’t mean you should take it on walks around the block.

If you’re on mission to set your boyfriends twig and berries on fire, first of all, you shouldn’t do that… But if you’re hell bent, you probably shouldn’t stop by his mom’s house first and tell her what you’re up to. Then again, it is Florida.

Wednesday January 12th, 2011

Police in Ossipee, Massachusetts have all agreed that next time before engaging in a SWAT team all night stand-off with a robbery suspect, it’s important to verify somehow that he’s actually conscious and not just passed out on his bedroom floor.

A Missouri man found out the hard way yesterday no matter how hungry your wife is, if the McDonalds drive through is closed, you can’t justify pulling a shotgun on the employee and certainly don’t expect him to make you a cheeseburger.

Another brilliant Floridian reminds us that if you’re going door-to-door trying to sell your food stamps and a police officer asks what you’re doing, don’t be so quick to show him how empty your pockets are… especially if you have a bag of cocaine in one.

Despite a made for kids PSA that airs for 24 hours a day around Christmas, somehow there are people out there who still think something good will happen if you put your tongue to a flagpole in the middle of winter. The triple dog dare is being sought for questioning. (Woodward, OK)

Tuesday January 11th, 2011

In recently released police squad car video, a New England man found out the hard way that yes, you can get a DUI while driving around on a scissor lift and if you do get caught, your next move should not be to raise the lift as high as it can go and dare police to come get you. Epic video on the BM Blog.

A Quebec, Canada man is suing the makers of a certain ‘unit enlarger’ after he claims he used the device for over 500 hours with no results. Wait, you mean they don’t really work?!?!

If you’ve ever thought of using the ol’ ‘Officer, I’m just taking this lonely goat to a date to meet another lonely goat’ excuse for why you’re driving around drunk with a goat in the backseat of the car, a man in Poland tried it and, shockingly, it didn’t work.

And just because you just saw The Town and Ben Afleck made robbing a bank look super easy, doesn’t mean you should get your friends together and try it… Remember, it’s the movies. Thank you Florida.

Friday January 7th, 2011

A typical day in Florida gives us a typical gun fight at a typical Pizza Hut between typical siblings over a typical three dollar debt. God I love Florida.

In a rare demonstration of class and tact, officials in Las Vegas decide, “What better time to give a 13 y/o girl a ticket for jaywalking then when she’s in a coma after being hit by a car.” You stay Classy, Las Vegas.

Rule #523 of home invasion robbery: Don’t get so drunk inside the home that you are physically unable to climb back out the window through which you came in. (Wilmington, DE)

If you’re going to use a cab as a getaway car while robbing a Burger King after hours, be courteous and don’t leave him waiting for 45 minutes. Or don’t be surprised when he’s not there to help with your great escape. (Chicago, IL)

Thursday January 6th, 2011

A Milwaukee area man proves once again that the best weapon with which to disarm a gun wielding convenience store robber is still a cold jar of pickles.

A Gilbert, Arizona man found out the hard way yesterday that if you rob a bank and ask for all the 40 and $60 bills in the drawer, you will be immortalized and mocked for life as the Sixty Dollar Bill Bandit. Oh, and you won’t be getting and $60 bills since they don’t exist. Yet…

Good news for foul mouthed Pennsylvanians as it is once again legal to swear in public in the in the Keystone State.

Don’t be so quick to judge and accuse that naked guy who just broke into your house in the middle of the night of attempted robbery. It’s very possible he was just high on acid and thought he was God, which naturally would have given him the right to do whatever he wanted. Remember, when you point the finger at someone, there’s three fingers pointing back at you…

Wednesday January 5th, 2011

While an 82 y/o retiree with leukemia and diabetes may sound like an easy robbery victim, two Delaware men learned the hard way that he may be armed, he may be a great shot, and he may get really grumpy when you wake him up early.

Sign of the times: If you get a phone call from your husband at school and all you hear is muffled voices, it’s most likely an accidental ‘pocket dial’ and not the emergency hostage situation you described to police who dispatched the SWAT team. (Winneketa, Ill.)

A Pennsylvania man found out yesterday that if you get your kicks by sitting around and firing your cannon all day, you better know that thing like the back of your hand… or… you… might lose your hand… or something.

A Chicago woman attempted to use 911 abuse to get her boyfriend to propose to her yesterday by claiming he was beating her then asking police to force him to marry her when they arrived. Lady, you’re doing it ALL wrong.

Tuesday January 4th, 2011

Important tip: If you have a car full of drugs, it would behoove you to ask that your passengers not open fire on other motorists using the freeway. (Billings, MT)

While it’s noble to stop your car on the freeway to offer aid to someone in distress, it’s embarrassing when your car is totaled while you stop to rescue someone’s inflatable sex doll. (Boiling Springs, PA)

Who is dumber… 1) The guy selling a car on craigslist who lets a complete stranger take a ‘private’ test drive –OR- 2) The ‘buyer’ who stole the car and turned right around and tried to sell it again on craigslist.

Monday January 3rd, 2011

Scientists in Arkansas kicked off the new year with a head scratcher as thousands of birds mysteriously dropped from the sky dead over a 1-mile area of Beebe, Arkansas on New Years Eve.

The folks near a 20 mile stretch of the Arkansas River in Ozark weren’t left out of the apocalyptic fun as over 100,000 fish mysteriously turned up dead in that region about the same time. So, in case you’re planning a trip, it may be a very bad time to visit Arkansas.

A Spokane, Washington man learned the hard way that it’s always important to run that back round check on your room mates after he was shot with a .22 rifle after his cat made a mess in the bathroom.

If the name of your business is ‘The Trippy Hippy’ and you’re located in conservative Maine, you should probably assume you’re being watched and resist the urge to sell weed to anyone who walks through your door. This isn’t California, people!

Monday December 20th, 2010

Typically the holidays are a hotbed of activity for TIOJ sightings, but for one reason or another, reports are down this year. And while this isn’t exactly the same nor does it have that Christmas charm, the TIODV (The image of Darth Vader) in some redwood trees will have to do.

A convenience store robber in Lake Mary, Florida learned the hard way over the weekend that if you’re going to attempt a robbery by threatening the clerk with gasoline and a match, be sure he doesn’t have a loaded gun first as ‘point and shoot’ is a much quicker series of motions then attempting to douse and ignite.

If you’ve got all your drunk pals over, it’s always important to remind your guests that 911 is never, ever the correct number to use when attempting to buy a bag of weed. (Victoria, BC, Canada)

A South Florida woman, upset her husband came home late and went straight to bed, decided to employ a new tactic to wake him up. She set his crotch on fire. And, to no ones surprise, it worked.

Tuesday December 14th, 2010

Good news out of Switzerland this morning for anyone looking to marry from within the family as the neutral nation is on the verge of legalizing incest!

Fair warning to anyone traveling to Pakistan anytime soon! Always check the name on the business card before throwing it away. If said business card happens to belong to someone named Muhammad, you will be arrest and sentenced to death for blasphemy as one poor pharmacist learned the hard way yesterday.

A ghost hunter in a Mississippi cemetery said taking his shirt off generally allows him to get better pictures of the spirits but concedes he may have made gone too far when he stripped completely naked.

An inmate in a Southern California prison found a niche loophole in the law that allowed him to get specially prepared meals based on his religious observance of the holiday ‘Festivus’.

Friday December 10th, 2010

A Pennsylvania woman who clearly takes her pizza very seriously launched a profanity-laden tirade on the deliveryman before threatening to shoot him in the head after her pizza was 1 hour and 45 minutes late… Honestly… I don’t blame her.

In other pizza related crime, a Florida man learned the hard way that if you’re going to rob a pizza place with a gun and the clerk happens to beat you up in the process, you should cut your losses and get over it. Calling the police won’t help your situation.

A drive through employee at a Chicago area McDonald’s deviated from typical fast food protocol recently and rather then spitting in the customer’s food decided to spit directly in the customer’s face. Bold move!

If you and your pal just robbed a bank and found a suspicious item in your loot bag that might be a tracking device, don’t hide it in your car… And don’t get caught googling ‘tracking devices’ when the cops inevitably show up.

Thursday December 9th, 2010

If you’re a jewelry store thief and you absolutely MUST leave your cell phone behind after a robbery, be sure you don’t have a picture of yourself holding a bag full of stolen jewelry from a different robbery as your screensaver.

Certainly it goes without saying, but just in case there were any questions, it is officially not okay for school bus drivers to stop at the liquor store to pick up a few bottles of whiskey before off loading the kids.

Employee an interesting new strategy in stolen item recovery, a Philadelphia ad exec has launched a campaign promising ‘a fabulous stash of drugs’ if his stolen macbook is safely returned to him. This should end well.

In a bizarre mash-up of psychotic violence and Christmas spirit, a Wisconsin woman decided it was a good idea to bite off her husbands tongue but kept with the spirit of the season by singing Christmas Carols while he attempted to speak with the 911 operator.

Wednesday December 8th, 2010

A Swedish couple found out the hard way yesterday that if you’re going to try and spice things up in the bedroom by using a knife to cut off your husbands boxers, for gods sake, be careful. Or have a good plastic surgeon.

An aging German hippie demonstrated to authorities that he too celebrates the spirit of Christmas after they discovered a brilliant decorated full grown weed plant in his living room while executing a search warrant at his house.

This may be one of the stranger headlines straight off the paper, “Missouri Home Damaged By Lawnmower Fire In Bedroom.”

Now normally we never cover fatalities in the Hard to Finds, but when you die in a ‘freak gardening accident’ and you live in Darwin, Australia… Well, that’s just asking for it.

Tuesday December 7th, 2010

Two men in Florida came to blows yesterday after engaging in a heated argument over whether or not Conway Twitty was gay.

Another Floridian Dynamic duo were arrested yesterday after they were caught stealing several packages of lip balm and a CD from Wal-Mart. When asked why he did it, one of thieves explained that he needed the product to help lube up his fat uncle so he could squeeze through the door.

7 people spent the past eight days trapped in a pub in North Yorkshire, England after they were snowed in. Luckily they had internet, TV and several months supply of alcohol, so they claimed they were quite comfortable!

Our first reported Christmas hate crime has been confirmed, this time out of Kent, England where a woman was forced to call emergency services after her snowman had been stolen and, presumably, butchered and left in a ditch.

Friday December 3rd, 2010

If your neighbor is known for flying Aryan Nation flags on the 4th of July and handing out bullets on Halloween, I guess you shouldn’t be surprised when his snowman has a pointy-head and is holding a noose. Thankfully police agreed it was in bad taste. (Hayden, ID)

We’ve all come to learn that accidentally texting your menu of drugs to police officers is a bad idea, but now we know that the same rule applies to county prosecutors. (Martinsville, IN)

After assaulting his own mother, a 33 y/o Freedom, PA man has learned the hard way that the old ‘the Pepsi machine at Costco made me do it’ excuse doesn’t work anymore.

A group of UK police officers have been suspended without pay after they just couldn’t resist eating the hot delicious pizza they found at the crime scene of a kidnap/torture suspect, which should have been booked into evidence.

Thursday December 2nd, 2010

In a shocking twist, one of the more unique DUI defenses actually works as a Missouri man claiming he drank to keep warm AFTER he crashed his car gets acquitted on all charges by a jury.

A Florida man learned the hard way yesterday that the only thing worse then having your home invaded by a swarm of angry bees is having your home be the battleground for two swarms of bees at war.

A group of Northern California teens were arrested yesterday for choking chickens in public… and by choking chickens we, of course mean choking dozens of the little feathered animals to death.

Anyone who has been looking for the perfect item to tie the living room together, your in luck as Lee Harvey Oswald’s coffin goes up for auction today. Which begs the question; Why isn’t it in the ground somewhere?

Wednesday December 1st, 2010

A Norwegian business owner is ensuring a mob of angry woman will burn his house to the ground today after it came to light that he forces all of his female employees to wear red bracelets… you know… for one week a month.

Note to Ben: When entertaining yourself by making prank calls, resist the urge to call NASA and tell them that their shuttle that’s about to take off is in danger of foreign attack as one 22 y/o Floridian did which just landed him 4 years in prison.

A clerk at a New Mexico restaurant discovered that empanadas make a great weapon to combat theft as he pelted a would be robber with a plate full of the hot tasty treats.

A Chinese school girl learned the hard way yesterday that you never stop to tie your shoe during the recess rush down the stairwell… Unless you want to cause the stampede to crash hospitalizing 41 of your classmates.

Tuesday November 30th, 2010

Nothing makes for an awkward Thanksgiving dinner like a deputy sheriff being pulled over and charged with DUI by her own husband… Twice. (Elko, NV)

Two Oklahoma women have proven that being morbidly obese can have it’s advantages as they managed to hide over $2400 worth of TJ Maxx merchandise under their fat rolls… Oh… They did get caught, but still… that’s an impressive amount of merchandise.

Just a heads up to ready your checkbooks: A woman in Spain has officially claimed ownership of the Sun and plans to begin taxing everyone who uses it worldwide. It’s not all for personal gain, however, as she will be donating 20% of the proceeds to Spain’s pension fund and an additional 10% to fight world hunger.

A Michigan man is claiming that God answered his prayers for an ice block meteorite by dropping one on his lawn in which he found proof of extraterrestrial life which he will reveal to the entire world today at a Ramada in South Haven… Evidently the Holiday Inn was already booked for a Harry Potter convention.

Monday November 29th, 2010

If you’ve just recently robbed a bank and REALLY need to use a payphone, you could probably find a better place to do so than the lobby of the police station where your picture is plastered everywhere. (Eugene, OR)

A German man stood proudly before the new wall he had erected in his cellar over the weekend, finally blocking off that door like he’d wanted to for years. It was at that point he realized he had accidentally bricked himself in with no escape other then to tear down a wall leading into his neighbor’s house.

If you’re a pizza company and you accidentally charge a customer’s credit card $2400 for a $30 order, you should probably do a little better than offer them their money back in pizzas and kicking them out of your restaurant. (Bristol, CT)

They say necessity is the mother of invention… Which makes it all the more strange someone didn’t think of this sooner… Two Boulder, CO college students have embarked on a new business adventure called “Hangover Helpers” where they come to your house the morning after a party and deliver you hot breakfast burritos and Gatorades to enjoy while they clean everything up.

Tuesday November 23rd, 2010

If you’re a bee-keeper and frequently setup shotgun booby traps for bears, you should make sure you avoid accidentally setting them off…. They do a lot more damage then your average mouse-trap. (Loveland, CO)

A French farmer impressed authorities with his unique excuse for growing copious amounts of weed on his farm… “They’re for de-worming the ducks! My ducks are in perfect health!” He did admit he has a tendency to smoke the duck medicine too.

A German criminal learned the hard way yesterday that if you’re going to rob a church, don’t be surprised when a statue of St. Antonius falls on your head and leaves you bleeding from the skull.

A Washington, DC man has scientists baffled after he jumped into the shallow end of a pool, hit his head very hard, suffered a severe concussion and came out a piano prodigy. So… If you’ve always wanted to be a musician but have zero talent… well, it worked for him!

Monday November 22nd, 2010

A plane traveling through Russia was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger went into the restroom and emerged completely naked and danced around the cabin. Which sounds like a pain, but was probably pretty entertaining.

Do you frequently lose your elderly loved ones and/or children? Have we got a product for you. Introducing the new Project Lifesaver which, with the help of a giant antenna you hold and point along with a soothing easy-to-follow beeping noise you’ll have no trouble tracking those pesky loved ones down. Actually it sounds pretty hard.

A 22 y/o Galveston, Texas woman not only had her car stolen over the weekend, she had it returned and was given a stern scolding by the man who stole it because she had left her toddler in the back seat. So, if you don’t want your car stolen, just leave a kid inside at all times…. Actually that’s a bad idea. Don’t do that.

A Lincoln, Nebraska man has been charged with aggravated assault after he unloaded a 80,000-volt stun gun and a can of pepper spray on an opposing bowling team during league play. Mark it zero dude!

Friday November 19th, 2010

Testimony Tip: When defending yourself in court against charges of stealing a frozen turkey, your alibi should NOT be “I didn’t do it. I was too busy stealing a cold-cut sandwich!”

Police in San Antonio have arrested a 45 y/o creep after he called his ex girlfriend at work more then 1000 times a day resulting in her being fired. Somebody’s bored!

For the third time this week, somebody who clearly doesn’t listen to the hard to find headlines thought a ride on mower would make a good getaway vehicle. This time after robbing a convenience store in Aiken, SC.

And for the second time this week, a drunk Canadian has managed to stab himself while attempting to rob a donut shop. Lesson learned: Pay attention to the HTFH!!!

Thursday November 18th, 2010

A Wisconsin man is in jail today after an all night stand-off with police that ended early yesterday morning. No, he wasn’t an angry American protesting Obama-Care… He was an angry American protesting the fact that Bristol Palin wasn’t voted off DWTS by unloading his 12-gauge into his television.

A West Virginia man learned the hard way that there are better ways to get to the strip club when you’re drunk than stealing a ride-on shopping cart from Wal-Mart. Although, it does sound kind of fun.

A Boise, Idaho woman is in jail this morning accused of giving other women breast exams while posing as a doctor. Yes you heard that correct, a WOMAN was caught giving fake breast exams. Sweeeet.

A Hudson, Ohio man called police yesterday to report a strange man in a brown suit had dropped off a suspicious package in front of his home with strange markings on the exterior. After the investigation concluded it was determined that his amazon.com order had finally arrived.

Wednesday November 17th, 2010

If you’ve just been pulled over for suspicion of DUI, your next move should NOT be to pee on the police cruiser. This will only make a bad situation worse. (Johnson City, TN)

If you’ve just been revived from unconsciousness by a paramedic, you should try to resist the urge to punch the EMT in the face. A simple thank you should suffice and comes with less assault charges. (Albuquerque, NM)

If you’re going try to gain entry to people’s homes late at night by posing as a police officer, always remember to wear shoes to avoid looking suspicious. (Clearwater, FL)

When sending your 3 y/o to school with 17 baggies of crack, don’t hide it in their shoe as they will most likely complain of discomfort to their teacher at which point the gig is up. In fact, don’t use your 3 y/o as a drug mule. That’s just crossing all kinds of lines. (Boston, MA)

Tuesday November 16th, 2010

How To Fail At Robbery:

If you and your cronies are going to get all masked up and burst into a pharmacy with guns drawn, be sure you actually burst into the pharmacy and not the salon next door. (Land O’ Lakes, Florida)

An Idaho man was swiftly brought to justice yesterday after he celebrated robbing a hotel by getting drunk at the bar next door.

An Ottawa, Canada man learned a lesson in instant Karma yesterday after he robbed a store and tripped on the way out falling onto his own knife.

Just to recap – Always check the address. Never celebrate before you’ve made it at least a block away. And always watch your step on the way out.

Monday November 15th, 2010

Just a reminder to all you would be drug store cowboys out there. When robbing a pharmacy (or anything for that matter) it’s always important that your getaway car doesn’t have a vanity plate with something easy to remember on it… Like your first initial and your last name!

An Idaho man learned the hard way over the weekend that if you’re going to do your extreme workouts on the middle of a very high and very busy bridge, you might want to wear a sign that says “I have no intention of jumping.” Unless you’re just out for attention, then you’ll certainly get it.

If you’re going to go to the trouble to steal someone’s safe with $100k in cash in it but only take $20k and leave the rest, including the safe with your prints all over it in the victims yard… Well, you’re pretty much the worst thief ever.
(Fairbanks, AK)

In a sad story of forced sexuality, a zoo in Germany is forcing two gay vultures and longtime partners to separate with the hopes they will mate and nest with females.

Friday November 12th, 2010

An Ontario, Canada woman would like the world to know that she’s at her wits end with being ding-dong ditched by deer and plans on installing a new deer-proof doorbell.

A Connecticut man proved yesterday that his family jewels may in fact, be made of steel as he was shot twice in the groin and opted to go home and eat the sub sandwich he had just purchased before driving himself to the hospital.

A Florida man found out the hard way yesterday that it’s not good parenting to put your 14 y/o on a mattress in the back of your truck. Especially on a windy day.

In what may go down as the greatest story in HTFH history, a tractor sale gone bad in Kentucky led to several armed farmers to brandish knives and guns and one man being forced to eat his own beard.

Photos:

On The Show: Podcast | Ben and Matt Cold Calls | Ben and Matt Guests

Stuff: Hard To Find Headlines | Celebrity Theatre | Hollywood Headlines | Ben & Matt's Big Deals

Site Map

Browse 750+ Radio Stations 10,000+ Music Videos, Live Performances and More!

ARTISTS - submit your music for on air and online consideration. Click for details!

TERMS OF USE | PRIVACY STATEMENT | COPYRIGHT and TRADEMARK NOTICE | EEO PUBLIC FILE | GENERAL CONTEST GUIDELINES | ADVERTISE WITH US
Some images on this site © 2012 Getty Images.
Some images on this site © WireImage.com or WireImage.com contributing photographers.

KNIX

Listen

The Bunch

Photos

On The Show

Stuff